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Dear
Domey,
I
hear from the grapevine that you are a very well nurtured
bloke. I have a couple of .INFOs that I'm keeping in the
cellar. Can you please advise me when they might nurture to
full body?
Grapefully
Yours,
Gollum
-----------------------------------------------------
Dear
Gollum,
I
recommend selling some now and saving some for a couple years,
to hedge your bets. I call it the "some seller,
some cellar" strategy. By the way, congrats on
your great performance in the recent movie "Lord of
the Strings"! Here is my favorite scene --
*************
[Info
Baggins and Gollum are scaling a slimy cliff.
Gollum shows a wild look in his bloodshot eyes and
sports a lurid grin. Info Baggins looks
exhausted. He holds listlessly onto his registration pouch.
Suddenly, overhead in the darkness, there is the sound of
screeches and flapping wings.]
Gollum:
Ahhhhgh! String wraiths! Come from SoreCom the Dark Lord!
Baggins must hide his preciousssss INFOsssss.
Not let SoreCom getssss them.
Info
Baggins: ...can't ...go ...on ....COM too
strong... COM always be King... new
extensions... no use....
Gollum:
Hide! Hide!
[Gollum
pulls Info Baggins down under a rotting log.
Sounds of hooves and drooling heard above. Info
Baggins clutches at his registration pouch.
Suspenseful moments, then again the sound of flapping wings,
now growing fainter. Gollum and Info
cautiously poke out from under the log.]
Gollum:
Nasssssty string wraiths. Destroy all string extensions
except COM! Come from SoreCom the Dark.
SoreCom sore about growing popularity of new
extensions, especially INFOs. He wants COM
to rule all InterEarth. Very dangeroussssss for Bagginsessss.
Info
Baggins: ...INFOs so heavy... can't hold...
must sell out now... will never catch on... no major companies
use as main URL.... can't hold.... so weak..... must
surrender to SoreCom...
Gollum:
Nooooo!! Gollum Googled INFOs. He
sees number of INFO pages on Google up from under a
million in 2002 to four million in 2004.
Bagginsssses
must not let SoreCom get preciooooouuuuusssss INFOsssssss.
Give INFOsssss to meeeeeeee. I will keep them
safe... yesssssss..... I keep INFOsssssss safe.
Info
Baggins: ...but... when I use INFOs.... I
seem invisible... no one sees INFOs.... can't go on....
Gollum:
Maybe still invisible in USsssssss, but not in Germany and
other countriessssss. INFOs precioussssss there.
Look at DNJournal salesssssss. INFOs
preciooooosssss.
[Cut
to scene of giant red eye scanning the horizon.
Lightning flashing out. Thunder echos across the cliff
like a giant voice saying "Coooooommmmm! Coooommmmm!"
Switch back to scene of Info Baggins quivering against
the cliff.]
Info
Baggins: It's no use... it's all... just....
speculation... no one can challenge COM.... no use.....
so tired.
Gollum
[reaching out his hand toward
the pouch]: Let me
take the INFOs. Gollum will help.
Yessssssssss.
[Info
Baggins begins to loosen his grip on the registration
pouch. Gollum's bony fingers almost touch it.
Suddenly a heavily-armored figure steps out of the darkness.
His eyes glint in the moonlight.]
Elequa:
Step away, Gollum.
Gollum:
Ahhhghh! Nooooooo.
Info
Baggins: Elequa!? Is that you? The guy
who registered all the remaining three-letter INFOs?
Elequa:
Yes, it is I. Just in time too.
Gollum:
Oh, please, Mr. Elequa. Gollum just being
helpful to INFOssssss.
Elequa:
Helpful? By taking his INFOs at dirt cheap prices
in his moment of weakness? I don't think so. Hold
on to them and develop them in Mt. Yahoo, Mr.
Baggins. More and more INFO pages. INFO
domain prices are up. INFO ads are appearing in
Europe, New York, and California. Don't give in. It is your
destiny to provide an alternative to SoreCom for the
good of all InterEarth.
Info
Baggins [color returning to
his face]:
Ah... Elequa. I am sorry I ever doubted.
Elequa:
That's what friends are for Mr. Baggins.
*****************
Sincerely,
Domey
Dear
Domey,
While
scouring a pending delete list late last night I inadvertently
put my cigarette out in my peanut dish while simultaneously
grabbing a handful of butts out of my ashtray and chucking
them into my piehole. Now I can't get the smell of burnt
nuts out of my office, to say nothing of my breath. As
well, there is the greater issue of how and why this happened
in the first place. Is there a 12 step program for domain
speculators? Any suggestions?
Thanks,
Sharpy
----------------------------------------------------
Dear
Sharpy:
Where
there is smoke, there may be fire. Not to alarm you, but these
may be symptoms of "Speculosis
Domainia" -- commonly known as "Mad
Domain" disease. If untreated, Mad
Domain disease can cause: atrophy of social graces; depletion
of bank accounts; Internet Separation Anxiety (ISA);
forum addiction; domain envy; and confusion between fumes and
legumes. I recommend that you gargle and then take the
following diagnostic test. Seek the 12-schlep program
for help if you score high.
***
Take
the Test: Ten Signs of "Mad Domain" Disease
1. How important would internet
access be during your honeymoon?
a.
Honeymoon would be better without internet access
b. Some internet access would be good
c. I will only consider honeymoon locations with
dedicated T1 line to catch drops 24/7.
2. What was your first reaction
to Britney Spears' wedding?
a.
Oooops!
b. Hmmm... I wonder if "BritneysWedding.com"
is registered?
c. Hot dog! I registered "BritneysWedding.com"
last year (along with several thousand other
speculative combinations) and now I'll snag "BritneysWedding.cc"
too!
3. What is WLS?
a.
Show where big guys with makeup and spandex taunt each other
in a ring and bash chairs
b. Support group for dieters
c. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel *very*
strongly about it
4. What are the most desirable
qualities you seek in a date?
a.
Intelligence, nice body, sense of humor, wealth
b. I want someone who gets all worked up debating
the pros and cons of having hyphens in domain names.
c. What's a date? (some kind of field in
the WHOIS?)
5.
What draws things in, but does not let them out?
a.
Astronomical black hole
b. Venus fly trap
c. Network Solutions
6.
What is "udrp"?
a.
Frog making conversation
b. Person expressing satisfaction with a good
meal
c. A greeting from someone who went to the IP
League
7.
What happens to you without internet access?
a.
You wind down and relax
b. Shake uncontrollably and obsess over what you
miss online
c. Don't know. Never been offline.
8.
How much time have you spent trying to figure out who
NamePopper really was or is?
a.
Who?
b. Less than a hour.
c. Over 10% of my waking hours. Ask my partner,
Scully.
9.
What do you tell your significant other if he/she asks you how
much you spend each year on domains?
a.
The truth -- around $10.
b. Roughly as much as our mortgage payments are
c. Roughly as much as our mortgage payments were
-- before we lost the house and car paying renewal fees.
10.
What is a good reason to register a domain?
a.
Actually develop a website for commerce or information
b. Its worthless, but someone else may still buy
it from me
c. Because its there... and I have over $7 left
in my credit line
***
For
each (a) answer, add 0
points.
For
each (b) answer, add 1
point.
For
each (c) answer, add 2
points.
0-2
points: You are probably safe from Mad Domain
disease.
3-10
points: You are at significant risk for Mad
Domain disease and should seek help from a professional Domainologist
for further diagnosis.
10-20
points: You display advanced symptoms of Mad
Domain disease. You should contact the Office of
Domainland Security for immediate quarantine, transfusion
of social graces, and enrollment in the 12-schlep program --
"Schlep around your house and rediscover who the members
of your family are... schlep to a public place and
interact with real live human beings... schlep to a
museum and look at art, go to a concert, walk in the park...
etc." With perseverance, you should be able to tell
the difference between your ashtray and peanut dish within a
couple of months. Best wishes for a sharpy recovery.
Sincerely,
Domey
Dear
Domey,
I met this really good-looking woman in a bar and spent all
night trying to get her phone number. Finally she wrote it on
a matchbook and gave it to me. The only trouble is, I have
called it and keep getting this odd message -- “beee deee
beeeep… We’re sorry, but the number you have called is not
in service.” What should I do?
Sincerely,
Unconnected
----------------------------------------------------
Dear Unconnected:
I am sorry to hear about your situation. It must be
frustrating. I do, however, have some great news for you. Telefine,
the company with a complete monopoly on the telephone grid and
call routing system, has announced a new service to help
people in your situation. Here is their recent press release:
“Many phone users misdial telephone numbers or dial
inoperative telephone numbers and wind up getting an annoying
message – ‘beee deee deeeeep… We’re sorry, but the
number you have called is not in service. Please check the
number and dial again.’ This message does not profit
anyone. The caller does not reach the person whom they were
trying to reach and we do not make any money. To solve both of
these problems at the same time, we at Telefine will
be implementing (tomorrow at dawn) a consumer-driven,
service-oriented, wonderful new technology called ‘CallFinder.’
Starting tomorrow, phone users who dial an incorrect or
inoperative phone number will no longer get an annoying and
useless error message. Instead, they will reach our
revolutionary AI-powered ‘CallFinder’ service at
1-900-CallFinder. When people reach this number, they get
introduced to an innovative voice directory system (it takes
several minutes) and can chat with people who are far
more interesting than the dull folks whom they originally were
trying to reach!
CallFinder also helps callers to learn how to make
money right from their home, get special deals on fund
transfers to their bank account from far-away countries, and
hear amazing offers for all sorts of other things that they
(in their ignorance) did not know that they needed when they
misdialed in the first place. Best of all, CallFinder
helps us in the burdensome task of trying to run a monopoly in
the black!”
Cheer up, Unconnected. “CallFinder” is designed
just for people like you.
Sincerely,
Domey
Dear
Domey,
Who
would really benefit from WLS?
Confused
Domainer*
----------------------------------------------------
Dear Confused,
There is song about this and the general issue of how
domains should be distributed. Please refer to the lyrics
below:
Who Gets the Surplus?
(“ruff”ly based on "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by
the Baha Men)
When da-value of do-main be many many dollars,
"Ohh Ahh, Dat's nice!" say everybody hollers,
Well the gap be'tween what you get and pay,
Called de "consumer surplus"... now everybody say,
Hey...
Who gets the surplus? (who, who, who, who)
Who gets the surplus? (who, who, who, who)
Well de Reg-i-strant want de do-main cheap,
Don' like de auction cause de price be steep,
Dey say "Ain't fair!" and dey b____ and moan,
'Cause dey want dat surplus all dey own, Hey...
Who gets the surplus? (who, who, who, who)
Who gets the surplus? (who, who, who, who)
Well de Reg-i-strar wanna piece ah de action,
Why sell reg fee and get jus-sa fraction?
Have an auction, have a club, hold a lot-ter-y,
'Cause da profits be laggin at da plain reg fee, Hey...
Who gets the surplus? (who, who, who, who)
Who gets the surplus? (who, who, who, who)
Well de Reg-i-stry got mo-nop-o-ly,
But not much dough from da plain flat fee,
Dey say "centralize to increase competition"
But might it jus' be da surplus demolition, Hey...
Who gets the surplus? (who, who, who, who)
Who gets the surplus? (who, who, who, who)
Hard to know whose wallet dat should be padded,
Hard to know which parties create value added,
*Stry, *Strar, and *Strants could all get together,
Split up da surplus and dey all feel better, Hey...
Who gets the surplus? (who, who, who, who)
Who gets the surplus? (who, who, who, who)
Who gets the surplus? (who, who, who, who)
Who gets the surplus? (who, who, who, who)
------------------------------------------------------------
*disclosure, not really received by Domey
Sincerely,
Domey
Dear Domey,
How can I meet desirable and available members of the opposite
sex? Each time I meet someone I would be interested in, they
are already in a long-term relationship with someone else.
Sincerely, Single and Frustrated Domainer*
----------------------------------------------------
Dear
Single and Frustrated:
I receive many letters from people such as you who are
frustrated that “all the good ones are taken” and that
“someone else always gets there first.” This is a problem
with the current, disjointed and unorganized system of dating
and mating that most cultures have today. People roam bars,
post personal ads, read magazines, go to yoga classes, cruise
town, go to singles groups in houses of worship, frat and
sorority parties and all sorts of other activities to try to
find desirable and available members of the opposite sex…
but the result is often chaos and confusion.
Pros who
move “quick and slick” have an unfair competitive
advantage. They make rapid, repeated connections -- picking up
the best folks just when they are dropping from long-term
relationships. Average folks do not stand a chance getting a
shot at the really desirable mates because people with money
and rapid connections always beat them to the punch.
There is a proposal to change all this dating and mating chaos
into a more organized and fair system. VeryFine has
proposed a new way – called the “Date Listing Service (DLS)”
-- to catch desirable people who are dropping out of long-term
relationships and will become available on the dating scene.
VeryFine has a central registry of all long-term relationships
and monitors those that are in the process of going sour.
When
couples start arguing and it looks like long-term
relationships will fall apart (and enter into a “deletion
period”), then VeryFine will sell a place in line for people
wanting first shot at dating one of the splitting parties. No
more mess, no more confusion, no more blind dates, no more
being beat out by some guy with a corvette or some curvaceous
gal with flirty eyelashes – just “pony up your dough and
you are first to go”!
Not everyone likes the proposed DLS. A number of bars and
nightclubs and dating services and romantic poets are saying
that it would create a monopoly and put them out of business.
Also, some geneticists have raised concerns about the
implications of this auction-based breeding for the gene pool.
In fact, GenePool.com* is suing VeryFine. However,
VeryFine contends that bars and nightclubs and dating services
and poets are just low-life types living off human insecurity
and weakness. They contend that the Date Listing Service (DLS)
will be much more fair and less humiliating than the current
methods of finding a mate.
I personally have mixed feelings about the DLS, having met my
wife the old-fashioned way. However, I might buy stock in
VeryFine just in case. Best wishes with your search.
Sincerely,
Domey
*(Full Disclosure: this was not an actual letter to Domey, but
I could not resist! Also, the name genepool.com was used for
satirical purposes. To our knowledge they aren't really suing
anyone, though after this they may decide to!)
Dear Domey,
I do not think there is any trademark for my domain, but I
just got a Cease and Desist letter. What should I do?
Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------
Dear Anonymous,
I recommend getting professional advice from a lawyer at the Domain
Name Journal or one of the popular domain forums.
Until then, sing the following to the tune of "Another
One Bites the Dust" by Queen:
Well I like doin' what is right,
to keep my ethics high...
I stay clear of trademarked names,
to be an upright guy...
I search the U.S.P.T.O.
I search in Europe too.
I search in Google
high and low.
but whatever I do...
[be da boom boom boom]
Another "Cease and Desist"
[be da boom boom boom]
Another "Cease and Desist"
And another one comes, and another one comes
Another "Cease and Desist"
Hey, they're gonna get you too.
Another "Cease and Desist"
Their firm started in ’02.
They say I should desist.
I made my site in '99,
before they did exist.
Their mark is "UncleEdsUsedCars."
It has four words you see.
Now they claim that "Cars.com,"
should be their site for free.
[be da boom boom boom]
Another "Cease and Desist"
[be da boom boom boom]
Another "Cease and Desist"
And another one comes, and another one comes
Another "Cease and Desist"
Hey, they're gonna get you too.
Another "Cease and Desist"
Well I believe [0837728] the law [1736791] is good [1458016],
but letters [0809166] makes me spark [1845613].
Seems for ev’ry word [1130259] we use [2433320],
Some company [1192531] claims a mark [0160916].
[be da boom boom boom]
Another "Cease and Desist"
[be da boom boom boom]
Another "Cease and Desist"
And another one comes, and another one comes
Another "Cease and Desist"
Hey, they're gonna get you too.
Another "Cease and Desist"
Dear Domey,
I have this incredible urge to bash .COM. Am I going nuts or
is
there some curable basis for it?
Mole
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mole:
The urge that you describe is a symptom of one of several
electronically-transmitted TLDs. Although there are
cures for some of these TLD conditions, increased public
awareness is critical to prevent them from spreading. The
following are descriptions of some of the more common
electronically-transmitted TLDs.
1. COMjunctivitis: Comjunctivitis is a restriction of
the eye that causes myopia, extreme hind-sightedness, and
blurred long-range vision. People with comjunctivitis prefer
domains like "StocksOnWallStreet123AllDay.com" to
domains like "WallStreet.us." Sadly, many people
with comjunctivitis miss out on cable television saying --
"There have always been only twelve numbers on my TV dial
and that's the way it will always be."
2. INFOmania Nervosa: Infomania Nervosa is an
insidious condition involving intense aggravation by Sunrise
and Chronotropia (the recurring expectation that things will
be better "in a year or so"). Public health
officials say that it is primarily endemic to northern Europe,
but there have been sporadic outbreaks in the rest of the
world as well.
3. USpectus Kidpromotus: Symptoms of Uspectus
Kidpromotus include inflammatory price spikes prior to the
summer of 2003 based on expected transmission among youth,
particularly in central North America, and bouts of extended
patriotism. Efforts have been made to contain the spread of
USpectus Kidpromotus through the use of nexus and other
therapeutic agents, but there have been reported cases
elsewhere in the world.
4. ORGanoprofita: Researchers believe that
organoprofita is caused by a virus that begins as a nonprofit,
but often mutates into a different organism. Symptoms among
registrants with organoprofita often include receipt of
condescending comments at domain forums, but this can be cured
by repeated administration of healthy sales margins.
5. WS Syndrome: WS syndrome continues to baffle the
medical community. Scientists have not yet been able to
determine conclusively whether it is a regional condition
(originating from Western Somoa) or a true
electronically-transmitted TLD associated with use of
websites. Advanced cases are marked by extension dysfunction
and repeated unintelligible vocalizations such as "but
keyword... but keyword... but keyword."
The most important tool for preventing further spread of these
electronically-transmitted TLDs is extension education in
public schools and forums. If you have experienced two or more
symptoms of one of these conditions, consult your forum
professional.
Sincerely,
Domey
Dear Domey:
There is this domain that I really
want -- I feel it's current
owner is not worthy and not treating it properly. I want to go
after it -- but feel so unworthy -- what shall I do?
Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Anonymous:
The following song may help. Check it out and try your
skill at rapping! 
DoMainPlaya
"If yo see a domain gettin no respect,
Been treated like dirt and the reg neglect,
Get an Exody
list and yo don't be stoppin,
'till yo plan laid out cause it might be droppin.
Say, huh. Say, huh.
Yo can make a Snap at the Snapnames
site,
Yo can get Namewinner
if the price is right,
Yo can use DropWizard
if the name is good,
Then yo be a playa in the drop name hood.
Say, huh. Say, huh.
If the name's real good, yo in for a fight,
Buydomains and Ulti they be makin it tight,
At the second it drops, and the big guns fire,
If yo beat big boyz, then yo can retire.
Say, huh. Say, huh.
If the name is prime, then its worth the fees,
That yo pay to increase probabilities,
So jack your bling bling to the boyz,
Catch the domain, man, and yo make some noise.
Say, huh. Say, huh."
-----------
Sincerely,
Domey
Dear Domey:
My domain left me again. I have nowhere else to turn. Can you
please Help me get it back! What can I do to keep my domain by
me ????
Domainless in Seattle
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Domainless in Seattle:
A good domain is hard to find. Here are some tips to keep you
and your domain happy and together. The keys to a successful
domainship are respect, communication, and keeping that spark
of passion that you felt at first registration.
Respect is essential to any domain relationship. Too many
times I hear from domains that were "parked" for the
night and then forgotten the next day. Do you google other
urls when they pass by? Think of how your domain feels about
this! Never let a third party be your administrative contact
for your domain or you may wake up to find that your domain
has left you. Also, don't skimp on your domain by using a
registrar with a reputation for sloppy security procedures.
Communication is also vital to keeping your domain. Make sure
that your e-mail and other contact information are fresh and
accurate. Don't forget the anniversary of your registration…
or your domain could wind up on someone else's drop list! Make
sure that neither you nor anyone else in your organization
pays scam bills that look like they are needed to renew your
domain, but actually are from a totally different registrar
and may result in the loss of your domain.
Keep the spark of your registration burning. Consider a
firewall for your hard drive. Google your domain frequently.
Work on ways that you and your domain can click together. Also
consider protection for domain interactions -- some registrars
offer you the option of locking to prevent unauthorized
transfers.
These easy steps will help strengthen your relationship with
your domain. Each day you'll be able to ask your domain --
"Whois your daddy?" -- and the response will be
"You dear!"
Sincerely,
Domey
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