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Everyone needs someone to turn to for sensible and professional advice about domains, relationships, business, politics and entomology.  Unfortunately, we could not afford someone sensible and professional, but we were able to get DomeBase! 

He is here to help you over the hurdles in your domain life and to brighten your day with a unique set of art and entertainment skills that can only be described as....well....they can't really be described (at least not in polite company) so you will need to scroll down and see for yourself!

And don't forget, when you are in a quandary you now have someone in your corner. Like a consultant, but without the competence, his answers will enhance your self-esteem because he knows less than you do. 


By DomeBase
Advice Columnist, 
Art & Entertainment Editor 


Google’s Announces New Product – “Google Mind” – at International 
Academy of Neurologists*
 

June 4, 2007: During the plenary session of the International Academy of 
Neurologists annual meeting today, Google’s Chief Neural Search Officer, 
Cy Napse announced the launch of Google’s new proprietary, 
interdisciplinary search product – “Google ™ Mind”. Google ™ Mind 
is the natural progression of our continuing efforts to offer the most 
innovative and useful search experience for internet users,” said Dr. 
Napse, unveiling the world’s first interwetware product to room full of 
neurologists, and a few IT interlopers. 

“We have gone as far as we can in extracting user intent from what they 
type into our search interface, but relying on physical input is so… so… 
2005. Google Mind cuts out the intermediate step of neuromotor translation. 
It links user intent to products and services faster, more comprehensively, 
and in a more fulfilling manner than we ever dreamed was possible. And 
speaking of dreams… all the search potential from your dreams that was 
previously lost is now captured and translated into useful products, 
services, and information. Nothing is wasted.” 

The product launch announcement included a demonstration. Touching a 
holographic interface on the machine on the podium, Dr. Napse squinted at 
the output and then announced – “See, the gentleman in the third from 
the last row wearing the blue navy jacket is… yes… thinking about 
playing golf rather than being here at this boring conference… and.. 
yes… it just went through… Google Mind has just ordered a set of clubs 
to be sent to his hotel room and… ok… booked him for the links for 3:30 
pm today.” Immediately, the room erupted into a series of gasps and 
applause. 

“Thank you… thank you,” responded Dr. Napse. “We at Google ™ look 
forward to an increasingly close working relationship with the International 
Academy of Neurologists. We hope that this is just the first of several 
interdisciplinary products spanning the worlds of neurology and computer 
science… that is… if you don’t mind.” Laughter filled the room. 

Despite the applause , some Neurologists expressed skepticism and concern 
about privacy issues. “Are you saying that this device can read 
people’s minds? Is that possible? Is that ethical?” asked one. “It 
was a technical challenge,” replied Dr. Napse, “ but the breakthrough 
came with the development of interwetware. We realized that the internet is 
a network, the brain is a network, so it was just a matter of network 
administration to get them to talk to each other." 

"One unexpected challenge," Dr. Napse continued, "was how difficult it is to 
search through all the information that people have tucked away in their 
brain cells to find the most relevant thoughts. You would not believe the 
amount of useless information that people store in their neural backwaters! 
The key to addressing this search problem is our patented 'Phage Rank' 
algorithm. We scan the connections between neurophages. The more incoming 
synapses a neurophage has, the higher 'Phage Rank' it gets! This let’s 
us focus in on the most relevant cells and the thoughts or memories they 
contain. Lastly, with respect to privacy issues… some people say -- 
'Mind Your Own Business!' But we say – 'Your Mind is Our Business!' 

(*disclosure, when we last checked, this was still a parody)


You may think that the DN Journal November cover story published the most interesting pictures from T.R.A.F.F.I.C. East 2006, but we here in the Dear Domey office snuck into the editorial room and found some gems* that were cut by the editorial staff. Here at Dear Domey, unconstrained by good taste and common sense, we herewith provide you the "untold story" of T.R.A.F.F.I.C. with the shocking pictures that the mainstream DN Journal staff did not want you to see!

John Berryhill promotes his new book - "How to Be Your Own Lawyer."
"There is really nothing complex about law. Anyone can do it, " he said, "Just read my easy do-it-yourself guide."

Work-a-holic Monte Cahn, running on adrenaline and little sleep, points to a hallucination of Jupiter and its moons during the record-breaking auction.

Ron Sheridan displays an innovative technology for preventing disclosure of confidential business deals.

Jordan Rohan discusses Google's plans for expansion.
 

Auctioneer Joel Langbaum generates excitement in the room by hawking a premium mobi.
 

After dinner, the evening was culminated with a superb performance of Se il padre perdei from Mozart’s Idomeneus, King of Crete with Domain King Rick Schwartz singing in the title role.

 

*Disclosures: This is a parody -- captions, quotes, and portions of photos are made up!  As for the whale, well...
Portions of the last photo in the public domain.  Thanks to the Brookhaven National Laboratory!


Editor's Note:
Fueled with inspiration from recent proposed (and heavily opposed) ICANN contracts that could allow variable registration prices for .org, .info and .biz domains, Domey has scored a trifecta. The third piece in his off-Broadway trilogy lets us sit in on "A Day at the Electric Utility Hearings"


A Day at the Electric Utility Hearings


(The third in a trio of dramatic presentations inspired by recent events in the world of the internet.)

Act I: Meeting of the Electric Utility Rate Review Board

Scene: Rectangular formation of tables covered with cloth. Each seat has a microphone and name placard. Outside the windows of the room, muffled chanting can be heard.

Chanting: (....no tiered pricing!… no tiered pricing!… no tiered pricing!...)

Chair: (raising voice to be heard over chanting) “This meeting of the Electric Utility Rate Review Board will now come to order. First on our agenda is review and approval of the proposed Electric Utility contract. The floor is now open for comments.”

Speaker #2: “The outpouring of concern during the past several weeks has shown that many constituents – ranging from consumers to distributors – are very concerned about giving the Electric Utility unlimited control over electricity prices and the ability to charge different amounts per kilowatt hour to different people. Several people have expressed concern that giving unlimited price flexibility to a monopolist opens to door for tremendous abuse.”

Utility Representative: “I respect your opinion, but you have to consider that most of these protesters are consumers and consumers have an economic conflict of interest in this matter.”

Speaker #2: “Conflict of interest?”

Utility Representative: “Yes, sir. They are arguing against the removal of price caps because they would pay more. They are clearly only arguing for their own self interest, not in the interest of the long-term efficiency and stability of the distribution of electricity.”

Chair: “I agree. We would do well to take the protests of consumers with a grain of salt and listen to the objective analysis of the Utility Representative. Are there any other concerns about the proposed contract?”

Speaker #4: “We are concerned about the potential effect of uncapped electricity prices on small businesses. Many people have invested a lot of time and effort into their businesses. What is to prevent a public utility with a monopoly from coming in and profiting from someone else’s work -- charging more to those for whom electricity is worth more?”

Utility Representative: “That is a very good point, sir. Thank you for bringing it up. To address this concern, I propose a compromise. Current customers who put electricity to good use will be exempt from differential pricing and uncapped price increases. That should address your valid concern.”

Speaker #4: “Why yes, thank you. That is a great idea. Mr. Chair, seeing as current customers who put electricity to good use will be exempt from differential pricing and uncapped price increases, we have no objection to the proposed contract.”

Chair: “All those in favor of the proposed contract with the amendment that people who put electricity to good use will not be subject to price increases, say ‘Aye.’” (*Aye* Aye* Aye*) “Then the proposed contact passes. Next agenda item… Revenue Variable Payments from the Electric Utility to the Electric Utility Rate Review Board….”

Act II (a year later)

(Kitchen. Mrs. Jones sits in from of a pile of mail. Mr. Jones walks in.)

Mrs. Jones: “Honey, there must be some mistake. This is an electric bill for our downtown “San Francisco Republicans” office. The electric company wants us to pay $53,456!”

Mr. Jones: “What?! That’s crazy. I remember reading something about the Electric Utility increasing rates, but it is not supposed to be for current customers. Only new ones. Is there a phone number on that bill? I am going to give them a call.”

 - Mr Jones (dials number) -

Mr. Jones: “Hello? There must be some mistake. We just got an electric bill for our “San Francisco Republicans” office for $53,456.”

(pause)

Mr. Jones: “What do you mean? Not a ‘good use’ of electricity? “

(pause)

Mr. Jones: “WHAT? Not enough Republicans in San Francisco? It’s not legitimate?!”

(pause)

Mr. Jones: “Who are you to decide what is good use of electricity or not?”

(pause)

Mr. Jones: “I see. In your contract. And what do I do if I disagree?”

(pause)

Mr. Jones: “Well… yes. I suppose I could put a windmill on the roof. (pause) Yes, I could become a Democrat. (pause) You are? I see. (pause) And what happens if I want to take this public? This is an outra…….. ……. Hello? Hello?”

Mrs. Jones: (in the dark) “Honey. Did you just turn out the lights?”


Editor's Note:
With the critical acclaim of Domey's recent piece 'Sam's Hardware Store' (still available below) and inspiration by recent proposed contracts concerning variable registration prices for domains, Domey has come up with a double feature. The second piece is a sneak preview of the latest in the series of pirate-themed movies. No confirmation that Johnny Depp will play the lead, but fans are hopeful. Check out the following link for a preview of - "Pirates of the Registration."


Pirates of the Registration 

Scene: (Receptionist desk in corporate office. Behind the desk is a large, bronze sign with 'Zyxneriq Corporation' engraved across the front. Phone rings.) 

Receptionist: "Hello. Zyxneriq Corporation. How may I direct your call?" 

(Pause. Receptionist listens.) 

Receptionist: "Zyxneriq dot what?  $150,000?  One moment, please. I will transfer you to our General Counsel." 

(Receptionist puts first line on hold.  Dials.) 

Receptionist: "Mr. Ipea, there is a call on line #1 from someone about a domain name.  Zyxneriq dot something.  I think they want $150,000 from us for it.  Should I transfer the call to you?" 

Mr. Ipea: "What?! For crying out loud! Sounds like one of those darn cyberpirates trying to extort money from us to buy our own trademark! Keep him on hold for a moment, Ms. Walton.  I’m calling Edwards in IT first." 

(Mr. Ipea dials the Zyxneriq IT Department.) 

Mr. Ipea: "Hello.  Edwards? We've got some kind of cyberpirate on the line. He wants us to pay $150,000 for Zyxneriq dot something.  I plan to go after him with everything we've got. What I want to know is... how in the world did you mess up and not register that name?" 

Edwards: "Excuse me, sir, but we did register it. We have had Zyxneriq dot something for 4 years. The guy is not just a cyberpirate, he’s a fraud." 

Mr. Ipea: "What!!?" (his face grows red) We already have the domain?  That does it! (reconnects with receptionist on line)

"Ms. Waldon, get me that guy on the line." (connects with caller)

"Listen here, I am sick of you cyberpirates trying to extort money from companies by trying to sell them their own trademarks. We will not negotiate with you. We will take action. Further, you are a fraud.  We already have registered that domain. If you call here again, I will also report you to the people in charge of the internet. Do you understand?" 

(Pause.  Mr. Ipea listens to phone. His face contorts into a grimace.) 

Mr. Ipea: "What!? Renewal fee?? Market based pricing?! That's impossible.  (pause) How could they have approved something like that? That domain is our trademark. That's outrageous!" 

(Mr. Ipea listens again and slams his desk with his hand.)     

Mr. Ipea: "Well, you can call it whatever you want. If it walks like a duck and squawks like a duck, then it is a duck. If you are trying to make money by charging more for our own trademarked domain, for which we did all the work and created the value, then that makes you a cyberpirate." 

(pause.) 

Mr. Ipea: "You do that.  Send me the bill.  I tell you what, though.  You may have sailed the Seven Seas, Mr. cyberpirate, but you may be headed for three other seas with pretty choppy waters - the Ipea Sea, Deo Sea, and Effty Sea.  If you don't change course and sail back to uniform pricing, then you might wind up in Davey Jones' Locker."

Curtain falls (maybe for good?)


Editor's Note: News that ICANN might approve new .org, .info and .biz contracts that would allow those registries to charge any price they wanted for domain registrations and renewals, including different prices for different domains, set off alarm bells among Internet users all over the world. While domain registrants waited to see if their objections to the contracts would be heeded, our own Domey was busy viewing the situation through the twisted...uh, we mean..."unique" prism he has become famous for. When the wheels in his head stopped whirring, the result was a new two-act play. The moral of this story (as near as we can tell)  is to be careful what you wish for because you just might get it! 

"Sam’s Hardware Store "

(a short play in two acts)  

(Disclosure: any similarity between this play and actual events is too disturbing  to even consider.)  

Act I: 

Scene: (outside store) Sign above storefront says “Sam’s Hardware” in bright red and blue letters.  A black sedan pulls up in front of the store.  A  man with a gray hat exits the car, tosses a cigar in the gutter, and saunters into the door of the shop.  (switch scene to inside store):  Man with hat enters.  

Sam: (moves from counter toward man entering store):  “Good morning, sir, may I help you?”  

Man with Hat: “Are you Sam?”  

Sam: “Why yes. (extends hand) And you are?”  

Man with Hat: (turns away from Sam without shaking hand and looks towards the shelves) “The name is Regis.  I am the City Director of Streets.”  

Sam:Good to meet you Regis. Are you here about the potholes in the street outside? They have gotten really big. Some of my customers have complained.”  

Regis (Man with Hat): (Looks hard at Sam): “No, Sam… I am not here about potholes. I am here about your business. How is business, Sam? I have been watching your traffic… we have stats for that… and have seen lots of customers coming and going.  Is business good?”  

Sam: “Why yes. Business has been good. Me and the wife have put in 60 hours a week. Just finished the new expansion. New parking lot. It’s been a lot of work, but its been worth it. Business is good.”  

Regis: “Good… good… I thought so. That’s what the traffic stats  said. I’ll be frank with you Sam. I would like to see your business  continue to be healthy. I mean, it would be good for all of us for your  business to continue to be healthy. You know what I mean?”  

Sam: “Ahhh… sure, yeah. I guess. I guess the City has to get taxes to  maintain the roads.” (nervous laugh)  

Regis: (does not smile) “Yeah --- that’s the idea, Sam. You see, the City has expenses.  Lots of expenses. Not just pot hole expenses, but meetings, salaries, benefits. Lots of benefits. The City needs more money, Sam. Money from people whose businesses are doing well, Sam. People whose customers use our streets.  That’s why I am here.”  

Sam: (pauses and looks hard at Regis): “What are you saying Regis? Are taxes going up?”  

Regis: (Looks around the store): “Welllll….. yes and no, Sam. They are  going up for some people. Like you, for instance. Your customers use our streets, right? I mean, your business would not be so healthy if, for some reason, your customers were not able to use City streets? Right?”  

Sam: “Hunh? Why would that happen? They are City streets.  Don’t you operate them for the benefit of the general public?   What are you saying?”  

Regis: “I’m saying that it is important that you be a good citizen and pay your fair share of City expenses so that we can make sure that your customers will be able to use the streets to get to your store. It would be a shame if we closed the street to your store or sold the rights to the street to someone else. Nobody wants that… now do they?”  

Sam: “What?! Are you saying that you might close the street to my store?”  

Regis: (waves hands): “Now calm down, Sam. There’s no need to get upset.  We are just talking about a little differential pricing here. Paying your fair share. Our traffic stats show that you are getting a lot of traffic through our streets. Surely you can’t blame us for asking you to chip in a little more for City expenses.”  

Sam: “How much more?”  

Regis: “How much is street access worth to you?”  

Sam: “My business would be dead without street access. You know that.”  

Regis: “Yeah. That’s the point, ain’t it. You need us. We need you. We can work this out so nobody gets hurt. The City traffic and tax records show that you make around 50 grand a year. We figure, hey, you can afford to pay us… 30 grand a year to make sure that your customers can use the street.”  

Sam: “$30,000!? That’s highway robbery! Does the City Council know about what you are doing!?”  

Regis: “Now calm down, Sam. Yeah. The Council knows. They approved it. We in the Street Department and the Council are reeeaaaal close, you know.  We don’t just fill pot holes, ya know.” (low, throaty chuckle.)  

Sam: (pauses) “So I have no choice? I guess we will have to cut back on food and move to a cheaper apartment.”  

Regis: “That’s the spirit. Cooperation. See. Everybody wins.”  

Sam: (pauses again): “I guess I could try to work even more next year to grow the business more so that we can afford the $30,000. It will be a nightmare, but I can try.”  

Regis: “Yeah… Yeah… that would be great, Sammy. You go ahead and make more money next year and I’ll be back to talk to you then. Out expenses are going up, you know. We’ll be watching your traffic. With any luck, maybe we will be able to keep your customers safe on our streets next year  for $40,000 or $50,000. We’ll see. Well. See you later, Sam. It’s been a  pleasure talking with ya.”  

(Curtains close) 

Act II: (a year later) 

Scene: City Council meeting.  Regis is attending.  Several Council members are frowning and there is tension in the air. 

Council Member #1: “Gentlemen, this is a disaster!  64% of the businesses in our fair city have left. Many of our streets are lined with vacant, boarded-up buildings.  There are huge, unfilled pot holes in the streets.  Our tax revenues have dropped 74%.  What is going on and how can we stop it?!” 

Council Member #2: “You folks remember Sam’s Hardware?  It closed last Spring.  I talked with Sam.  Nice guy.  He told me that he and his wife could not afford the outrageous fee that our Director of Streets, Mr. Tree here, demanded of him.  He told me that he moved his business from our city to a new extension in CCtldville. He…” 

Council Member #3: (interrupts Council Member #2 and shouts): “No!  Do not mention CCtldville again in this assembly!   I am tired of hearing about CCtldville.  Every time I turn around I hear of some other business or person moving to CCtldville.   I even hear people say that our city should be run by the United Municipalities!  They are a threat to City Security!” 

Council Member #1: (pounds gavel): “Order! Order! Mr. Tree, as Director of City Streets, do you have any explanation for this?” 

Regis: “Those business guys are lazy bums!  How was I to know they would close down their shops or move to CCtldville?” 

Council Member #3: “Arggg! No mention of CCtldville!!” 

Council Member #1: “Order! Order!” 

Regis: “Well.  Look on the bright side.” 

Council Member #1: “Our City has become a ghost town.  What possible bright side could there be, Mr. Tree?” 

Regis: “Well.  Now you ain’t gotta fix the pot holes.”


After ranging from songs to cartoons to news reports in his most recent columns, Dear Domey returns to his musical roots with his latest lampoon. With inspiration from an oldy but goody, "Material Girl" by Madonna, Domey debuts at #1 with "Superior URL"!

-----------------------------------

Superior URL
(to the tune of Material Girl by Madonna)



Users searching, users clicking,
Online ev'ry day,
If you've got a lousy domain,
They won’t come your way.

If your site has stuff to read,
But your name ain't right,
Most users will pass you by,
For the URL that's tight, 'cause we are…

Living in an internet world,
And I want a superior URL,
You know that we are living in an internet world,
And I want a superior URL.

Businesses find going online,
Is the way to be,
But if they skimp what their site's called,
Where's their strategy!?

Some folks want domains for pennies,
They don't understand,
Would they offer a few dollars,
For some downtown land? 'cause they are…

Living in an internet world,
And I want a superior URL,
You know that we are living in an internet world,
And I want a superior URL.

Living in an internet world (get an URL!)
Living in an internet world
Living in an internet world (get an URL!)
Living in an internet world

Traffic comes and traffic goes,
And that's all right you see,
Prime generics have their value,
And everyone's after me, 'cause everybody's…

Living in an internet world,
And they want a superior URL,
You know that we are living in an internet world,
And they want a superior URL.

A superior, a superior, a superior, a superior URL!

Living in an internet world (get an URL!)
Living in an internet world


If you have a problem that is screaming out for help, just send it to DearDomey@DNJournal.com. Domey will quickly have you and your problem screaming in unison. Remember -- "Any problem can be made bigger with the appropriate advice."

Haven't had enough of Dear Domey yet? Hard to believe - but if you really are a glutton for punishment, be sure to visit the Dear Domey Archive of past columns!


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